I’m discovering that one of my biggest issues is trying to act out an ideal self–or what I believe that should look like. However, in reality, I’m someone so different. I’m trying to explore what makes up each aspect of the ideal and the real.
My ideal self doesn’t show emotion (other than anger, of course) because emotion is weakness. Showing emotion leads to vulnerability. Vulnerability leads to defeat. Even by herself, it’s not worth her time. Complacent is key.
My ideal self always keeps her head up. This plays into the lack of emotion. She has to appear strong and mature.
My ideal self may have many opinions, but it’s best not to speak them. Keeping the peace is greater than words.
My real self feels pain, heartache, sadness, frustration, happiness, confusion, guilt, anger, regret, disappointment, shock, and so many more. And she wants to be able to express it.
My real self has many opinions and wants to speak her mind. She wants her ideas and thoughts to be heard.
My real self isn’t satisfied with complacency; she wants to experience and feel the highs and lows of each day, experience, and the emotions that follow.
My real self wants to cry so she can release built up stress.
What I have noticed is that my ideal self is solely centered around emotion, and my desire to hide it, while I actually want to express it. But I don’t know how.
We had a guest speaker from a hospice program a few weeks back and she gave us a sheet that explained the two types of grieves. There is the intuitive (feeler/emotion) and the instrumental (thought/rational). While I read it I thought I was an intuitive griever who was trying to live instrumentally. I flipped over the page and that’s what it described. This happens when someone is unable to express their grieving style due to family or jobs.
I think this plays a huge part in my ideal self vs. my real self.