Okay. Now, it’s time to be completely raw and real about depression, self-harm, and suicide. I wrote this in an emotional state, so be prepared for my transparent self.
For me, there are two kinds of depression.
One type that I experience is the emptiness. That’s the kind of depression where I don’t feel emotions towards anything, and if there is something, it’s anger. But the emptiness sits and rots inside of me. It’s a pit of unrelenting darkness that makes me feel like I’m slowly imploding. I’m in a haze where I don’t feel like I’m in my body. Instead, I’m in constant numbness. I often dissociate. I’m watching myself and I don’t feel attached. I can’t feel. Which is why when I am in this type of depressive state, I want to self-harm. That’s something I can feel. Pain.
The second type that I experience is the overwhelming feelings. Where I am flooded with an incredible amount of stimulus in my brain, triggering all the thoughts and memories of an event or person, but I remember every sad thing and happy thing and funny thing and awkward thing and terrifying thing and frustrating thing and everything… but feeling all of those things at the exact same time. I’m consumed by the 1,000 flashing scenes of memories layered on top of one another. An endless supply of moments, with all the emotions attached. And it loops. My heart pounds. It’s like there is a physical burning in my chest. Which is why when I am in this type of depression, I want to self-harm. Because I want to focus on something else and the only stimulus stronger is pain, or I want to just make it stop entirely.
Today, I experienced both of these, but I didn’t self-harm. Instead, I took some time to steady my breathing, then wrote this post.
Please, take extra time for your self-care today. Life is so precious.